THE TKTV NEWSLETTER
Season 2, Episode 41 aired December 20, 1999

CONTENTS
1. Intro
2. Letters from the viewing audience
3. Kim's Commercial Comments
4. Don't miss
5. TV Trivia
6. Star Wars Holiday Special
     -by guest writer Keith Allison
7. Favorite quotes of the week
8. A totally unrelated link

1. Intro

So I was reading the "Cheers and Jeers" section of the most recent TV Guide, and they were giving cheers to "Action," for going out with a bang. They said that although Fox unceremoniously and rather suddenly cancelled it, at least in the final episode Jay Mohr's character Peter Dragon proved that he wasn't completely heartless when he suffered a fatal cardiac arrest.

What TV Guide must have known, 'cause they're TV Guide, but failed to mention, is that that episode was actually the first of a two-parter. It was called "Lights, Camera, Action," and Fox left us viewers hanging without showing us the second part, "Dead Man Floating." What we were supposed to see the following week was Peter Dragon in the after-life trying to negotiate his return to the living. "Action" didn't kill off its main character without the guarantee that it was indeed the series' last episode. So I'll give my own jeers to TV Guide for cheering something that didn't deserve it, and some extra jeers to Fox for not only canceling one of my favorite new shows of the season, but canceling it on a cliff-hanger.

Welcome to the final episode of the TKTV Newsletter in 1999. There will be no newsletter next Monday. I hope everyone has very happy holidays, and a wonderful New Year, and remember: when you snow blow the driveway, start in the middle and work your way out, and don't blow the snow onto the part that you've already cleared. Yes, this is advice coming from a non-shoveling New Yorker who actually misses shoveling snow. Okay, I really miss all the fun levers on the snow blower.

And enjoy our very special article on a very special holiday special from Keith Allison. If you like Keith's article, you can read more of his musings at his web site, Teleport City.

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2. Letters from the viewing audience

From my boyfriend, Jay, who would like a chance to defend himself:
You neglected to say that I was a HUGE fan of "The X-Files" since the beginning - and I, like many other fans, have been greatly disappointed since the movie came out... (although the soundtrack & incidental music was great - Mark Snow is a god).
From Lelah:
I, like you, live happily in my ignorance of silly things on "The X-Files." In fact, I love the silliness. I especially love the subtle shades of change in the relationship between Scully and Mulder. Of COURSE she's not going to figure out that she's never right with her sensible explanation. That would be much more boring. Notice how, since they had their "platonic" smooch a few weeks ago, Mulder is MUCH more flirty with Scully. She's got the upper hand here, since we all know Mulder has no social life and enjoys his fair share of adult entertainment.
From Rob:
Well, the thing about those Victoria's Secret ads is that they AREN'T selling to women. As you mentioned yourself, it's the Gift Buying Season.

Basic ad technique: if she's wearing it and looks that good, I can wear it and look that good.

Christmas ad technique: if she's wearing it and looks that good, I can give it to my wife/girlfriend, who'll wear it and look that good.

Now, I'm NOT defending this. It's pathetic, and a disgusting sentiment. If you want your girlfriend/wife/husband/lover/etc. to look like a Model on TV, you're a) asking more of them than is humanly possible, b) probably judging them against an unfair standard, and c) gonna be disappointed.

But it probably sells bras to people who buy them for their lovers.

And gives lots of men an excuse to loiter around in Victoria's Secret...
Letters from the viewing audience are always welcome. Please email any opinions, questions, comments, or random thoughts to TK at tk@tktv.net with the subject of "letters." Letters may be edited for length or content.

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3. Kim's Commercial Comments

Well, as someone said to me this week "'Tis the season to go nuts!" It sounds horrible, but the closer I get to the holidays, the more I want them to be over. Time is scarce these days, so I'm going to get right to the commercials...

What spot has me laughing? Nordstromshoes.com

They're billing themselves as "the world's largest shoe store." I guess they're taking their cues from Amazon.com, huh? Not that there's anything wrong with that... I've seen two of these spots in the last 24 hours; I'm going to tell you about one of them.

A car pulls up in front of a nice suburban home. A woman gets out from behind the wheel and walks around to the passenger side of the car. She opens the door and struggles as she lifts the man from the passenger seat. He's wearing a shirt, tie, and boxer shorts -- and he's sound asleep. The woman places him carefully (he's in the fetal position) on the front steps of the house. The camera zooms in and we're able to see that she's written a note. "Please take care of my guy."

She tiptoes away with a sneaky grin on her face. The announcer's voice comes up with his tag line... something like "Introducing Nordstrom shoes.com. The world's largest shoe store." The video cuts to a shot of a closet that's half full of women's clothes. The other side is totally wiped out. The announcer comes up again, "Make room for it."

I think the thing that makes this spot so great is that is for a completely new business (the web site, anyway). I did not see it coming... had no idea what it was for until the announcer said the words. So, I was really paying attention to this strange image of a woman carrying a man in his underwear.

It's very original. I think it'll make you laugh, too.

What spot has me cringing?

I don't really have a national spot that has turned my stomach this week. The most objectionable thing I've seen is a commercial made by my local cable company for the gas company. They're trying to get people to use natural gas by telling them how much they'll save on their utility bill. It's a good concept, but the "actors" had to come straight out of the nearest trailer park. I absolutely HATE to see anything in media that helps to perpetuate the idea that everyone from Alabama is barefoot, married to a cousin, and only educated to about an 8th grade level. It is unbelievably bad. The accents are deep, deep south -- and I don't mean that charming southern accent we all heard in "Gone with the Wind" and "North and South." This is something else... something scarier.

So, count your blessings. Most likely you'll never have to see this one.

Happy Holidays to you and yours! See you in Y2K!

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4. Don't miss

In amongst the reruns and the holiday specials...

For details and lots more fun TV to look forward to, see
http://www.tktv.net/index.html?/upcoming.html

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5. TV Trivia

Last week's question was: what famous country singer had a short-lived starring role on the soon-to-be cancelled NBC soap opera, "Sunset Beach?" Bonus if you can remember what disease she had.

First prize goes to Cori, who was the first to correctly answer Barbara Mandrell.

Second prizes go to Josie H., Lela K., Allie (who was the only person who got the bonus, cancer), Geka D. and Alison C.

This week's question is: who sang the theme song to the television show "21 Jump Street?" Bonus if you know what show she's on now.

Send answers to TK at tk@tktv.net with the subject of tvtrivia.

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6. Star Wars Holiday Special by Keith Allison

For pictures from the show, visit http://www.teleport-city.com/movies/reviews/bizarro/starwars.html

1978, United States. Starring Mark Hamill, Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, Peter Mayhew, Art Carney, Bea Arthur, Jefferson Airplane. Directed by Steve Binder.

A lot of people my age have vague memories of a Star Wars holiday special sometime in the 1970s, but beyond that their memories go blurry. Maybe they recall it had something or other to do with wookies. In my circle of friends, it was referred to simply as A Very Wookie Christmas.

It seems that some secret conspiracy was working to erase any and all memory of the show's existence. George Lucas refused to acknowledge the existence of the special. When it was brought up, he would suddenly become aloof and upset, sort of like whenever anyone mentions Forever Monaco to Jean-Claude Van Damme (his first movie role -- a small part as a knee-squeezing gay kickboxer in a little sports car).

During the holiday season, there would be a glut of Christmas-themed specials which consisted mostly of Donnie and Marie Osmond singing, then acting surprised when special guest stars stopped by for a visit. "Who could be at the door on Christmas Eve? Why, it's Tim Conway!" followed by the requisite applause being piped in.

When we caught wind of there being a Star Wars holiday special, it was like someone walking up and going, "Hey there. Here's the Holy Grail. Oh, and also a billion dollars. Enjoy!" The prospect of spending the holidays with the cast of Star Wars was overwhelming. It would answer a question I've had since I first saw Star Wars: what do they do when they're not, you know, star warring? Is Darth Vader's average day spent filling out paperwork, doing photo ops, and dealing with new zoning laws? I mean, the guy has an empire to run. Even Quadaffi took time out to write a book.

Well, the holiday special would answer all our questions in excruciating detail.

It's all about Chewbacca's struggle to return to the wookie home planet, named Rouflumpplofrum or some such wookie name. Sounds okay, right? Only it's not about Chewbacca at all. Almost the entire two hours of the special focuses on Chewie's family. There's his wife Molla, who is worried that her husband won't make it back in time for Life Day, the most scared of all wookie holidays, sort of like Guy Fox Day. There is Itchy, Chewbacca's father and the ugliest wookie alive or dead. And then there is Lumpy, Chewbacca's son, who looks like that annoying little kid from Eight is Enough. I swear! It looks just like him.

While they wait for Chewbacca to get home from his life of running guns and breaking the law (Chewbacca really isn't a very good role model), they amuse themselves in all sorts of ways. Molla frets in the kitchen. Itchy watches a little wookie porn. Wookie porn is pretty lame, even by porn standards. I don't know why wookies watch humans in their fantasy holograms, other than who watching this movie would want to see a hairy wookie writhing around in a teddy? Well, okay, who besides me and possibly Han Solo?

Keep in mind that the entire show has been performed in wookie, with lots of lame community theater arm-waving and pantomime. In order to inject some English into the special, the Chewie family is visited by their old friend Art Carney!

Art Carney hangs with the Chewies and brings li'l Lumpy a hologram of some weird Cirque du Soliel meets The Moomenshontz sort of thing. So for about ten minutes we get to watch people dressed as chickens do flips and swing around on a trapeze. Jeez, no wonder Chewbacca deserted his family. The wookie home planet sucks.

To remind us that we are in the Star Wars universe, we occasionally cut to Han Solo and Chewbacca aboard the Millennium Falcon trying desperately to outrun stock footage of star destroyers.

Molla places a call (did she use 1-800-CALLATT?) to Luke Skywalker, who she apparently caught indulging in his secret life as a drag queen. He has eyeliner on thick as Dr. Frank Furter. Luke tries to cover for himself by pretending to work with R2-D2 on his little space ship engine. But the truth is right there in a lovely shade of blue eye shadow. Luke blows off Molla's concerns so he can return to his "work." I'm starting to think Tattooine must be a bit like Pricilla Queen of the Desert.

From time to time, storm troopers also stop by to hassle the Chewies and see if they can find Chewbacca, who is a wanted fugitive. Luckily, Art Carney wows them with another little hologram, this one of the band Jefferson Starship. So we get the band, dressed like gay space harlequins or something, performing some droning song that is apparently a big hit with storm troopers.

Itchy, in the meantime, watches cartoons, which are for some reason about Luke, Solo, and the rest of the gang. The cartoon, which is drawn in a weird style that reminds me of some of the stuff in Heavy Metal magazine, is notable only because it introduces the character of Boba Fett.

Then what? Well, you were probably thinking, "This all sounds really good and all, but what we really need is a rousing cabaret number with Golden Girl Bea Arthur. Well, you got it, buddy! Cut to Tatooine and the famous Cantina at Mos Eisley space port. Bartender Bea Arthur rips into a rousing torch song with the cantina regulars, who may be wretched scum and villains but are still way into cabaret acts. I'm guessing the dolled-up Luke Skywalker we saw earlier would be into this. Maybe that's just the way things are on Tatooine, a planet colonized by a race of Joel Grays from the film Cabaret.

So after an endless parade of cooking, wookie fantasies, musical numbers, Jefferson Starship, holograms of clowns, and arm waving, Chewbacca finally gets home, which allows Han Solo to hug a lot of wookies. He can't keep his hands off them! It really gets a bit weird.

But wait! Who could be at the door? Why, it's Luke Skywalker! And here's Princess Leia and C3PO! Oh happy Life Day!

Life Day consists of a bunch of wookies loitering at a tree for about five minutes while Princess Leia belts out a song set to the tune of the Star Wars theme. This reminds me of that Saturday Night Live skit where Bill Murray sings the Star Wars lounge song.

I know, I know. It sounds funny, but wookie sit-coms can only go so far. How long can we watch Molla in the kitchen? Apparently, not long enough for the writers, who keep us in there forever watching her mix some wookie pancakes or something.

Pretty much everyone considers this a black eye on the handsome face of the Star Wars franchise.

What I find most amusing about this holiday special isn't that it's done like a typical holiday special, only with wookies, but that the entire cast of Star Wars thought it was cool. I mean, they must have read the script. Surely they knew. But no, even respectable Harrison Ford read "Bea Arthur launches into a rousing cabaret tune, then hugs one of those Greedo looking things." He read that and nodded and went, "Yes, this rocks!" I mean, we can expect this sort of thing from Mark Hamill. After all, he made Corvette Summer. But what was Harrison Ford thinking? Here he is, feeling up every wookie within reach.

So now we know why we all blocked the existence of this movie from out collective consciousness, relegating it to the distant nether-regions of vague recollection, sort of like that song, "What Do You Get a Wookie for Christmas When He Already Has a Comb?" Well, apparently you get him some porn or a hologram of Marcel Marceau.

I can sum up the entire Star Wars Holiday Special with a line from the film Aliens: "My mommy told me there's no such things as monsters, but there are, aren't there?"

Yes, Newt. Yes there are.

TKTV is always looking for new guest writers. Do you have an idea for an article? Write to TK at tk@tktv.net with the subject of "guestwriter."

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7. Favorite Quotes of the Week

From "Ally McBeal"
"You ever remember your dreams, Richard?" -Billy
"The wet ones. I try to." -Richard

From "That '70's Show"
"Look, Kelso, it was fun and sweaty and all, but you're just the guy I fooled around with when there was nothing good on TV. Sorry." -Laurie
"Maybe there won't be anything good on TV at your new place! Aw, damn, there's always something good on TV." -Kelso

and

"I was just amusing myself, y'know. That's the key to life, right? Never stop amusing yourself." -Kelso
"Unless it starts to chafe." -Fes

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8. A totally unrelated link

EarthCam - Webcast of the Century

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"Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor." --Wernher von Braun